*sigh*

I lost A this week. For good this time I think. I’m grieving. But how can you grieve for something you never really had? We’ve been playing tag for 8 years now. My brain knows it’s pointless, that there was never a real future.

But my heart and soul yearn for him and what we could have had if the timing had been better. Maybe I just have this ideal built up in my head.

We saw each other in person for less than 2 weeks and almost 8 years later I would drop everything to be with him. That’s kind of messed up.

But all I know is that in those 2 weeks I met the ONE person in my life who has fulfilled me completely. And over these 8 years he always has the power to draw me in….physically, mentally….NO one in my life has ever been able to stimulate me like that, has had that much power over me.

I met someone I felt I could release everything within me to, that I felt safe to drop all my walls and barriers and stand naked and open in front of. The one person I could give myself totally to.

How often does that happen? I’m scared it never will again. There are boyfriends who I can’t even remember their last name..partners where I was always the one in control….and always that inner self that so frustrates people, “Jennifer I can never tell what your really feeling or thinking”

I feel like I lost the love of my life in a relationship that never existed.