Head Like a Hole

I’m raging. My head is a black hole sucking everything in and around me into the walled fortress of my self until I can feel the walls groaning under the strain.

I want to lash out. I want to hurt people. I want to shake them until they see what is inside me. My muscles are aching from the strain of keeping myself from destroying everything in my sight. I cast desperately around me for SOMEONE to listen, to understand, to HEAR me. I feel there isn’t a person on this Earth that knows me, that cares whether I am really here or not. I feel I could disappear and there isn’t a single goddamn person who would notice or care for more that an instant. I curl into a ball around the pain and loneliness that is threatening to overwhelm me.

I’m angry at K. I wasn’t when he first emailed me, but I find I’m growing angrier. I feel he is being selfish, and that he has betrayed our friendship. He says he will welcome me back with open arms once I meet his “conditions” but you know what? I may have you as a friend in my life again but it will NEVER be the same. That trust and bond that was sacred to me has been destroyed. He just lost the best friend he will ever have.

I had to tell J I can’t see him for a while. I thought this unrequited crap was dealt with YEARS ago, but apparently not. I can’t deal with confusion and being off balance and ever so careful. What am I doing wanting someone who clearly doesn’t want me? Like my friend said last night “Don’t ever goddamn settle” I deserve someone who loves and wants me truly, madly, deeply.

Why can’t people just fucking be OPEN? We’ve ALL been hurt, guess what it’s nothing new, so GET OVER IT. People need to take risks and open their hearts or they will miss out on amazing connections and lessons. It’s so sad to watch it happen to people.

And Mother….oh Mother…you who I rage at the most. Sunday was the second anniversary of your suicide. You fucking selfish BITCH. I HATE you. I wish I had been born to someone else, ANYONE else, because you did your best to wreck my life for 29 years and with a final act of selfishness left me here to deal with issues that will now never be resolved.

And to learn the truth about Sarah’s death and blindness at the same time. God. To learn that you were on fucking HEROIN when she had her grand mal seizure? To learn that you HEARD her but you were too fucked up to go and check on your daughter when you KNEW she was epileptic? You make me SICK. If not for your selfishness I WOULD STILL HAVE A SISTER.

To learn that her blindness was NOT caused shaken baby syndrome from her father? To learn that that the man I have hated for 25 years in fact loved his daughter and did everything he could to be with her but you drove him away?

I want to scream until I bring the heavens down.

The ice is thin come on dive in
underneath my lucid skin
the cold is lost, forgotten
Hours pass days pass time stands still
light gets dark and darkness fills
my secret heart forbidden…
I think you worried for me then
the subtle ways that I’d give in but I know
you liked the show
tied down to this bed of shame
you tried to move around the pain but oh
your soul is anchored
The only comfort is the moving of the river
You enter into me, a lie upon your lips
offer what you can, I’ll take all that I can get
only a fool’s here…
I don’t like your tragic sighs
as if your god has passed you by well hey fool
that’s your deception
your angels speak with jilted tongues
the serpent’s tale has come undone you have no
strength to squander
The only comfort is the moving of the river
You enter into me, a lie upon your lips
offer what you can, I’ll take all that I can get
only a fool’s here to stay
only a fool’s here to stay
only a fool’s here…