Grrr

Leaf blowers and hedge cutters and whatever the fuck they are starting at 7 in the morning really PISS ME OFF.

Love is like Kali

a deity that gives and takes away,

the dark and wrathful face exists, equally present but

so well hidden in the happiness of an honest and passionate kiss.

I cannot gather all the sweet and easy dreamy

aspects to my breast and discard the rest.

I cannot forget that

that if not treated with respect she will tear your head off

drink your blood and leave you broken boned.

She takes back and swallows all creatures brought forth

the all producing, all annihilating Principle

the “horrific-beautiful caressing-murdering

creating-destroying eating-eaten one.”

Kali wants to be manifested.

She wants us

To embrace love but know that the relationship must end,

to know that our flesh will fall off our bones

and decay, that the universe will spin itself into silence someday,

the leaves will fall, oceans erode the cliffs then dry up,

and we can only truly love

by setting everyone free

in our own hearts

and I can’t set anyone free

if I’m not

this is true grace, to let go willingly,

to embrace as everything dissolves.

to know the myriad skeletons and bodies

rotting away under the earth are keeping us alive,

and each and every one of us will die and rot away.

to let a part of myself die, a new part be born,

my authentic self emerging

and Kali devouring it all.

this dissolving shunyata

is the power to turn into.

This is liberation

Human

Feeling a little more human.  Uploaded a bunch of pictures to FB and made me think of happy times.  Still want to be curled up in someone’s lap though.

Hah what I REALLY need is to stop being a hermit.  I need a night of debauchery and MADNESS!  I want to wear my newly bought vintage 60’s go-go boots!

Holy shit I need to go to the gym.  Having a kid and being over 30 doesn’t bode well…hrmm

It’s raining outside…I feel like going out into it and splashing in puddles and dancing.

Friday night…

I’m listening to Mazzy Star, smoking too many cigarettes and feeling very melancholy.  My whole body aches.

I had another attack of vertigo or whatever the fuck it is yesterday.  This was the worst time by far.  It’s terrifying being so helpless.  It took half an hour to crawl to the fridge to get something to drink.  My knees are a mass of bruises.  Then I fell down the stairs and now I have a black eye.  I couldn’t even see the numbers on my phone to call someone for help.

Still wobbly today and have a brutal headache but the worst is past.  A friend kindly brought me over some supplies so I could just rest today.

I just want to be curled up in someone’s lap right now with them stroking my hair.

dates and love

Well went on my first date last night in god knows how long.  There was no physical connection but we talked non-stop till 2 in the morning, so twas fun.  Will make a good friend, can never have too many of those.

After he left last night, I was thinking about love and realized I’ve NEVER been in love.  Not by my definition. I’ve definitely loved people, but IN love? No. I’ll have to think about how to word what that definition means to me.

Went to sleep at 3 and woke up at 6 with the stomach flu.  Ugh.

Incantations and other Music

If you’ve never heard Incantation by Loreena Mckennitt you should get it, it’s short but soul piercing.

I’m cold.  I’m bundled up in fuzzy socks and warm sweaters but it does no good.  The cold is coming from the inside.

The past year has been a nightmare of extreme proportions.  Every facet of my life has been smashed, ground under the glittering heel of the uncaring stars.

And I’ve held it together.  By damn I held the shards that were my shattered soul in  place and soldiered on.  What else could I do?

And now, I am in a safe place, a place I can call my own forever and feel safe in and I’m starting to relax my iron control.  Only that means that everything I’ve held inside for the past year is coming out.  I’ve cried and sobbed and screamed and smashed and battered.  Nightmare images flash through my mind to be swept away.  I can’t sleep.  I’m smoking like a chimney.  I guess this would be called a nervous breakdown but I know it’s necessary to release this.  I couldn’t hold on much longer.

I know it’s time to reconnect with people but I’m finding it hard.  The inertia is hard to break.  I wander the dating sites and am saddened at all the millions of people entrapped in their cocoons, we are so so close but ever so far away.  I know it’s not in the universe’s plans for me to be in a relationship right now, but damn it’s been THREE YEARS!  Better be damn good when it comes LOL.

Alright back to the unpacking!

Oi!

So I imported all my LJ entries to this blog…now I have to sort through them.  Talk about about a trip down memory lane!

Must keep writing!