Pondering Relationships
So I’ve been contemplating romantic relationships. Having been single for so long I can objectively look back, and also take honest stock of where I stand now. I’ve thought I’ve been lonely. I’ve thought I missed intimacy. I’ve thought I wanted that all consuming soulmate passion. But when presented with someone’s desire for a connection with me, I freeze up. I recoil. Lack of practice? LOL. Most of my needs are met by my friends. And passion is fulfilled in many ways. My art, my love for the world and all people in it, love for myself, etc.
I’m fiercely independent. I like being accountable to no one but myself. I don’t want to have conversations about my “feelings” or where our relationship is going. I don’t want to deal with jealousy or insecurity crap. I like not having to meet someone else’s expectations. I like being moody and not having to explain why. I like not having to fight for the covers.
So I’m kicking the holy triad out the door for a while. If this soulmate the universe keeps promising is coming ever shows up, all well and good, but I’m not holding my breath and I’m done waiting around.
November 6, 2009 at 9:11 am
Wow – you say it all in a few words and with brutal honesty.
I can totally relate. You take the wind out of my sails as you fire a broadside that is so complete. I feel the pain and the liberation, and what could I possibly add?
Perhaps two thoughts.
Don’t forget to be gentle to yourself. There is a balance between making things happen and letting them happen. Relax. I believe in growth. What is real will always grow organically. On its own. Does not require anything that feels forced. Does not matter on speed, sometimes slow and sometimes fast. But is real and feels real.
A wise person once told me: “Walk slowly, step by step.” Perhaps also true with relationships. We can’t bite off the whole chunk all at once. I believe it is the little things that we are meant to enjoy, and enjoy together. And let the universe decide what may unfold in explosive growth.
The other thought is that I share your frustration, but I have not given up believing that it is possible to share together while being ourselves and growing as individuals. Entangled perhaps for moments, but not as a frozen state. Living like the tide or the seasons, in a flowing and gentle rhythm of unity and and solitude. Side by side, each facing the universe, and not borrowing each others energy instead.
Focussing on the beauty of sharing, and on the beauty of giving. Without possessing any piece or any right to the other. Nurturing the little things. Believing that all good and real things flow from supporting the other to following her higher self. All else is really not important, all else will flow from there.
A monk once described a path to relationships to others in two moves. A movement towards solitude. Then a movement towards offering space. So that another fellow human being can feel the universe and may wish to sit down beside, relax and just be, and become herself or himself.
An ideal or an illusion? It seems the norm all around, but I refuse to give in to relationships that are taking away. At least in essence, this vision has to be possible…
Call me a dreamer!
November 6, 2009 at 9:36 am
Beautifully said. Especially the part about the Monk. Right now I’m in my solitude place, at least regarding romance. For friendships, I am in the movement space and welcome all who wish to sit and share with me.
I’ve always been an impatient soul. I don’t play games. If I am attracted to you, I will tell you straight out. I see no need to play coy or dance around each other.
But yes, sometimes I push too hard.
One of the reasons I doubt serious relationships is my future lifestyle. I will be 45 when my daughter turns 20, and then I am off traveling the world. I plan to visit as many holy places in the world I can. I want to live in an ashram for a while. I want to study with shamans in south america. Who is going to be able to fully share that lifestyle? Not many. It’s why I don’t want anymore children. 45 is the perfect age to begin your pilgrimage. The thought of starting all over and not being free till I am 60 is not appealing to me. Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter more than life itself and we will have plenty of adventures together, but as they say in India, fulfill your householder duties first and then you are free to follow your path.
Thank you for your beautiful comments, fellow dreamer