More on forgiveness

This idea and process continues to consume my thoughts.

I am FIERCLEY protective of my daughter.  At the thought of someone abusing her, my immediate response is that I would kill them, no hesitation or thought required.  Because of my experience, I have never left her with a babysitter, or alone with any family or friends.  I worry constantly that she will experience the horrendous things I endured in school.

But I have to realize that things are going to happen to her that I have no control over.  She will have her own lessons to learn.  But her pain is my pain.  Could I forgive people that hurt her?  That is something I am struggling with.  All I can do is help formulate the wonderful person she is, and pass on lessons I have learned.  I can say my experiences at school made me a better person, that I learned compassion and other lessons from it.  But how will I feel if she comes home in tears over someone picking on her, or a boyfriend that treats her badly?

Hmmm

Thankful

My Munchkin ROCKS.  Since she’ll be with Scott’s family for Thanksgiving, we had our own little ritual today.  We sat down, lit a candle between us and held hands.  I spoke about all the things I was thankful for, and then it was her turn.  She said she was thankful for food and houses and the land, and that she had so much when so many people in the world have nothing. (she’s 7!).

I  asked her to say what she was thankful for for each close member of the family.  With her Dad, it was playing lots of video games and watching movies together.  With Caroline, it was all the fun baking they do.  With her little sister, it was lots of hugs. With her grandparents, it was lots of TOYS!  When it was my turn, she said “Mommy there are thousands of things, it would take all night!”  My heart melted and I told her to just say the most important things.  She said she was thankful that I taught her to be a good, loving person, and she was thankful she picked me to be her Mom.

I am so lucky to have her.  She has turned into the most compassionate, loving, kind, smart person I know and as much as I want to keep her young and so close to me, I am in awe watching the beautiful soul that is emerging, and I know it’s going to just keep getting more wondrous.

Thank you, my darling, for choosing me to be your Mom.

Assorted stuff

I went to bed at 4AM Friday night and woke up at 7 *grumble*  I’m normally an early riser, it’s annoying (especially when your hungover) to wake up no matter how late you stay up, and I can never get back to sleep afterwards.  I was strangley energetic though, so I turned the music up full blast (sorry downstairs neighbor!), cleaned my house from top to bottom, did my cardio dance routine and weights, performed Abyhanga, and had a loooooong cool shower, scrubbing and exfoliating and deep moisturizing and tweezing and facials.

Then talked to my baby girl for 1/2 hour over at her Dad’s.  She likes it when I read/sing  to her over the phone.  She was excited because her Nanny was  coming for a sleepover.  That child is soooooooo loved.  No doubts for her as there were for me.  She’s told she’s loved and hugged and kisses and adored every day.  And the beautiful thing is she isn’t spoiled from all this attention.  She loves back just as fiercely and is so compassionate and thoughtful.  We saw a tiny spider on the floor of the Quay and she demanded we take it outside and find a good home for it.  As much as I miss her, having her at her Dad’s every second week is good for me.  Let’s me get my groove on and relax and just take care of myself.  Plus he and I have such opposite parenting techniques that it’s good for her to get a balance.

Then I went for a nap at 1PM, and woke up this morning at 9AM.  Guess I needed it

I bought a 10 CD collection on learning to sing.  It’s REALLY good.  I’ve already learned a lot from it.  I’m most DEFINATELY not a soprano though, my natural range is tenor/alto.  Part of it is increasing your range properly thought, so we’ll see.  Tenor/Alto is good for the blues though!

Alright I’m going down to the Quay for some gelato and to relax in the sun on my floating dock.  The movement of it from the waves is very soothing.  Rocked in the arms of Kali Ma.

The Madeline Saga: Ode to the Strawberry

Strawberry’s were my one craving when I was pregnant with Madeline.  It hit at about 6 months.  Cravings are all consuming when you are pregnant, it’s all you can think about and your body feels like it’s going through withdrawal.

It being the middle of winter, alas, no luscious strawberry’s were to be found.  (Frozen just wouldn’t do).

Every week I would trudge to the grocery store, praying to see that splash of red, that nectar of the Gods.  Every week I would trudge home defeated.

And then…finally.  We walked into the store and “HALLELUJAH” resounded throughout the store.  I stood in front of the objects of my desire…..and started hysterically crying.  Scott walked to the other side of the produce section so he could pretend he didn’t know the crazy pregnant lady.

They filled my vision, green and red, hearts calling to me.  With a trembling hand I reached out to grasp one.  Every pore was visible, every curve and line.  The smell filled my nose, every part of me screaming in desire.

I brought it slowly to my lips, quivering in anticipation, and closing my lips lightly around it I bit down.  The mix of sweet and tart flooded my taste buds, the juice staining my lips as I sucked at this ambrosia.

I was interrupted from my sensual revelry by a man clearing his throat behind me, wanting to purchase some.  Like an animal I almost bared my teeth at him. “MINE!” screamed my body.  Some semblance of sanity reasserted itself and I backed away.

We bought a flat of berries, and I gorged myself until lips and face and fingers were stained red.  Ahhh…sweet relief.

LONG LIVE  STRAWBERRY’S!

Blah

So I’m sloooooowly figuring all this out. There’s SO much you can do with this site! It’s going to be fun. Looked into exporting my LJ entries but you can only do a month at a time. Considering they go back to 2002, that’s going to take a long time. Ugh. Although there’s huge gaps where I didn’t blog, so it shouldn’t be THAT much. I’m just lazy. And then I have to categorize them??? Hrmm.

Got to see Madeline today, her other front tooth was half hanging off, she could twist it all the way around, it was cute. She wouldn’t let me just give it a pull and get it over with though.

Poor baby, this is so hard on her. She needs her Mother. Every time she cries or gets upset about something, Scott reprimands her with “That’s nothing to cry about Madeline”. Let the kid express her feelings! It’s often related to something deeper. Today as Scott was trying to get her out the door she started to cry and looked up at me and said “Mommy I don’t want you to die”. It broke my heart. She’s been through so much turmoil lately that she’s desperate for anything stable to hang on to. She even flipped out about me wanting to change my hair color and paint the kitchen cupboards.

And Scott parents her when she’s here, reprimanding her for this or that. Piss off buddy! This is MY daughter, she is in MY house, and when she is I will do the parenting, not you. Grrrrr

*sigh* parenting feels like one big guilt trip sometimes. I can’t wait for this court case to be over so we can go back to normal.