*sigh*

Amazing how emotions can cause actual physical pain.  I’m so frustrated.  I’ve tried everything I can.  I’m REALLY REALLY pissed off at the Universe right now.  Dangling that fucking carrot in front of me for FIFTEEN FUCKING YEARS and then snatching it away right when I thought the time had finally come.  When it seemed the PERFECT fucking time.  Fucking TORTURING me.  Grrr.  Arggh.  I can feel one of my once in a decade monumental destroy the house temper tantrums coming on.

*sigh* But my new favorite quote is “When you make plans, God laughs”  Trust.  Trust trust trust trust in the Universe.  It knows what it’s doing.  Stop struggling.  Surrender.  Things always work out when I just SURRENDER and let the Universe work it’s magic.

But this is the hardest struggle to surrender I’ve ever had.

Universe give me strength.

Maybe it’s intuition
But some things you just don’t question
Like in your eyes
I see my future in an instant
And there it goes
I think I’ve found my best friend
I know that it might sound more than a little crazy
But I believe

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

There’s just no rhyme or reason
Only this sense of completion
And in your eyes
I see the missing pieces
I’m searching for
I think I’ve found my way home

I know that it might sound more than a little crazy
But I believe

Broken

This poem was written in 1991. Going to be rewritten into a song for the album

Lost

I’ve often wondered about the demons
coming in the pale skirts of midnight
I never really paid attention
though I knew they were coming
and it made me sick
to see myself broken down
I couldn’t get a grip
on my dour self
as I slipped into my state of disbelief

Something is broken and I can’t recover

Don’t even think for a second
don’t you put your filthy guilt on me
don’t you put your filthy hands on me
don’t say you ever believed in me
when you did nothing but lead me
into a forest of darkness
with no thought, regardless of my heart
Relentless

Something is broken and I can’t recover

I saw the waves were crashing
my arms were bleeding
my eyes deceived me
my eyes will bleed
to trust is to sleep
to trust is to deceive

Something is broken and I can’t recover

I promised myself never to shed a tear
for you and all that were alike
so I turn away, and I never look back

Something is broken and I can’t recover

So I saved myself from fucking misery
I’m failing to function because of temptation
don’t talk to me about your love

Something is broken and I can’t recover

Memories of you and your final farewell

Begging you to not go out because if you did he would abuse me.  You never listened.  You said I was going through an “attachment phase”.

Running to you after Sarah’s funeral.  You shoved me away and I fell backwards onto the ground.

Spending Christmas with a foster family, missing you, while you went through your hell in the psych ward from losing your other daughter.

Teaching me to read by 3, always impressing the importance of books upon me.

Taking me back to the playground where a boy 5 years older had hit me, and slapping the hell out of him.

Spanking the hell out of ME with a wooden spoon, because I was a little kleptomaniac in Kindergarten and Grade 1.

You always shying away when I tried to cuddle.  You were never comfortable with physical affection.  You said you never had the maternal instinct.

Bleah

Had a long nap and feel marginally better.  I think I’m just mentally and spiritually exhausted.  Been working with massive amounts of Ki and just strained too much.  Need some serious grounding and nature time.

I miss Honey (My Grandma).  She was plump and curvy and I would curl up against her chest and she’d rock with me, circling her thumb around mine.  She was the one who got me into drumming.  She was the coolest Grandma ever.

It’s been 3 years now since Mom killed herself.  For the majority of that time I’ve felt nothing but fury towards her, but lately there have been times I miss my MOM, the real Mom who came out sometimes.  The Mom I could tell anything to.  When I was sick she would run me a hot bath and make my bed up for me, and both were never so perfect as when she did them.

I just need a Maternal figure, a broad squishy chest to curl up into, plump arms folded around me and just breathing in her heartbeat as we rock, wrapped in the arms of the Mother.

Today I feel….

Vulnerable.

A rabbit frozen on the meadow watching the hawks circle overhead

Raw

Like my skin is being peeled away layer by layer, leaving the flesh and vessels exposed.  Even my eyelids are taken, so that I cannot hide from what I do not wish to see.

Sadness

The tears prick behind my eyes but for what? No tears for you…no one gets to see me cry

Grief

Again, for what?  A nameless hole I curl around, desperately trying to keep it from escaping

Tired

Always the strong one, always the rock.  Never fear, Shanti’s here!  Giving so much and receiving so little my reservoirs are empty

Lonely

I grasp around me and feel only empty air.  I am a form of mist, I can hold nothing and no one can hold me

I want to go home.

*sigh*

Mom

Little 15

Little fifteen
You help her forget
The world outside
You’re not part of it yet
And if you could drive
You could drive her away
To a happier place
To a happier day
That exists in your mind
And in your smile
She could escape there
Just for a while
Little fifteen

Little fifteen
Why take the smooth with the rough
When things run smooth
It’s already more than enough
She knows your mind
Is not yet in league
With the rest of the world
And its little intrigues
Do you understand
Do you know what she means
As time goes by
And when you’ve seen what she’s seen… you will
Little fifteen

Little fifteen
Why does she have to defend
Her feelings inside
Why pretend
She’s not had a life
A life of near misses
Now all that she wants
Is three little wishes
She wants to see with your eyes
She wants to smile with your smile
She wants a nice surprise
Every once in a while
She wants to see with your eyes
She wants to smile with your smile
She wants a nice surprise
Every once in a while
Little fifteen

© 1987 Martin Lee Gore – Depeche Mode

Uh oh

In one week it will be the second anniversary of my Mother’s suicide.  Fuck.  Thanks for darkening my daughter’s birthday every year with the memory of what you did hanging over my head.  Bitch.