I was visited by an angel today. I was sitting on a bench outside the Shoppers on Esplanade, and this woman sat down next to me and we began talking. Our conversation turned to love, hurt, relationships and forgiveness. She spoke to me about forgiveness with such intensity, I couldn’t look away from her eyes, her soul was shining through so strongly. She kissed me all over my face and hugged me so tightly. She got up, turned left onto on the sidewalk, and when I turned to look 15 seconds later she had disappeared. The Universe sends us messages through people when they are very important.
Interestingly, this came close on the heels of a session with a “channeller” (I hate the word psychic). Anyways, he was the real deal. He knew specific details about my childhood, about our sexual abuse scare with Madeline, about the scalp problem she’s had for a few years, about my Mother, everything. I was stunned. I’ve had a LOT of readings, and none came even close to this one. Anyways, soon after we sat down he said he wanted me to say 4 little simple words - It’s not my fault. I said them, “Louder!” “It’s not my fault” “ “Say it like you mean it!” “It’s not my fault!” “Louder!” “IT’S NOT MY FAULT!”. At that point I started sobbing hysterically (I NEVER cry in front of people) and just repeated it over and over. I take so much blame onto myself for other’s, it’s a heavy load. We are going to do 10 healing sessions with he and his wife, at night after the store is closed (they run Abraham’s on Commercial).
So, forgiveness. Obviously what I’m meant to confront right now! Such a simple word, easy to say, easy to think you have done. But have you really? How many negative associations do you have when you think of a person? About that girl who picked on you in high school, or the person who cut you off in traffic today. We all hold a lifetime of resentments, prejudices, and negative associations.
Does everyone deserve forgiveness? I believe so. I don’t believe in hell, other than the ones we create for ourselves. Do “evil” people think what they are doing is wrong? Not usually. Hitler firmly believed he was doing the right thing. Does that condone his actions? Does it mean we have to let people treat us however they want and never fight back? Of course not. But you can forgive. You can think about the reasons someone has done the things they have done, and grieve for what has happened to make this person who they are. I know I have done things that were wrong in other people’s eyes, we all have. But we all have a pure soul, we are all part of the great consciousness of the Universe.
I believe firmly in reincarnation, not to work off karma, but that our souls choose to experience different things. My previous lifetime was a vicious mobster in the thick of things in Chicago in the 30’s, and I was gunned down. Perhaps this time I chose to learn the hard lessons I needed to learn compassion and healing.
Obviously, the person I most need to forgive is myself. Not easy to do. I have to give up the self hatred I have for things I have done. We are always hardest on ourselves. I have to forgive my Mother. I’ve held nothing but rage towards her for over 3 years now. Who has that affected? Who has that hurt? Myself.
After the conversation today so many images and situations flashed through my mind, from my babysitter abusing me, to the guy who kicked my cane out from under me in the hallway at school, to the guy who screamed at me for 10 minutes in a parking lot. Does the girl who picked on me for 3 years think of me now? No. Is it hurting her? No. I am damaging myself. So, so, so many negative associations with even the most minor incidents.
The one person I actively concentrated on forgiving is the babysitter who abused me when I was 3. He was only 14, and his explanation was that he was confused about his sexuality. Does that make it ok? HELL NO! It had lasting negative effects on my life. But a couple of years ago I started to think, what happened to HIM, that he was that messed up? What kind of life has he had since then? I doubt it’s been a pretty one. Does he feel remorse for what he did? Good. And if he doesn’t feel remorse, I feel even more sorry for him, for what created him to be the person he is. What IS my responsibility is what I do with the effects it has had on my life. I could play the victim, and blame my own failings on it, perpetuating a cycle, or I can forgive, and turn the experience into a healing one, and give me the compassion and understanding needed to understand and help other people who have had similar experiences. I chose to forgive. I tried to locate him, to talk to him. To tell him the consequences of his actions, and hopefully learn what happened to him. And to tell him I forgive him. I never found him, but a HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders and I could finally start healing.
I’m going to think through every situation I have negative emotions about, even the smallest incidents, and write that person a letter. And I’m going to forgive them. I am going to cut the ties to those people that have followed me around my entire lifetime. And I will be FREE of them. How light I’m going to feel! Forgiving them is healing ME.
And then it will be time to write the hardest letter – the letter to myself. It’s not going to be easy. I’m going to make amends where I can, and even if they don’t forgive me, or nothing in the relationship changes, I will have lifted that guilt and anger from MYSELF. I have to accept the mistakes I have made, learn from them, and forgive myself.
It’s going to be a tough journey, but one I need to make to be completely free and enjoy the life that I want.
I could go on about nature vs nurture, and how behaviours are generational etc but this is already an epic post, so I’ll leave that pondering for another time.
Some quotes illustrating my feelings:
“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.”
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
“When we forgive evil we do not excuse it, we do not tolerate it, we do not smother it. We look the evil full in the face, call it what it is, let its horror shock and stun and enrage us, and only then do we forgive it.”
“Sincere forgiveness isn’t colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don’t worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.”
