Mmmmm

I’m in one of those sweet melancholy moods.  Body relaxed by kava kava and the dulcet tones of Mazzy Star.  It’s a sultry night and every nerve in my body is on fire wanting to be touched.  Fade into you….

I’m teetering on the precipice of my truth, my calling, my being, and soon I will plunge off with eyes wide open, arms spread like the wings of the angels that spiral down beside me, their joyous voices matching mine as I…. become.

What is this hole?

I was having brunch with a new friend and I asked him why he never asked me questions about myself, as people usually do. He said he prefers to observe, so I asked him what he’d come up with in the 3 times we’ve met. He proceeded to give a detailed, very accurate analysis of me. Very impressive.

But one thing he said really struck me. I have this emptiness inside of myself that I don’t know how to fill. I have my daughter. I am finally walking my true path. I have my goals. I feel fulfilled spiritually. I have good friends, but still there is this hole inside, and it hurts. I feel disconnected from the world and all the people in it. I’m on the other side of the looking glass. It’s an intensely lonely place. What do I need to fill this hole? I’m constantly searching, distracting myself with everything I can but nothing helps.

He talked about how I like to keep such a calm exterior but there is such a maelstrom inside of me. It’s full of passion and wonder and intensity and love. But I can’t find a way to channel and release it.

I want to be able to dive headfirst into love, with no fear. I want to be like a child who gives and receives love so unreservedly.

WTF?

So I’m trying the online dating thing again. It’s been very bizarre this time. I always just ended up meeting new friends before, which is cool. But for some reason this time people just….vanish.

But what the fuck? Where is common courtesy? I can’t believe how rude people are. How hard is it to say “Sorry, but we’re just not a good match”. ESPECIALLY after you’ve had a great time before. You just leave the person wondering, and ignore an email or phone call. GROW SOME BALLS!

Jesus there’s a reason I’ve been single for 2 1/2 years. Good to have a refresher on why. Idiots.

Eureka!

After my “rage” post, I’ve been doing a lot of processing and had a big eureka moment regarding relationships. J was the manifestation of this issue. I AM NOT MEANT TO BE WITH ANYONE RIGHT NOW!

Yes, I’m lonely. Yes, I want to wake up curled in someone’s arms. But it’s going to have to wait.
It’s been 2 1/2 years since I left Scott. Even longer since I felt like I had a true partner. I flirted and dated afterwards, enjoying my newfound freedom. Hell, I had more options than I could handle.

And now…..wha???? It’s like this transparent wall I keep bashing my head against. Me, who could pick and choose anyone she wanted all of the sudden can’t even get a palatable one night stand?!?!? (tongue in cheek here

I have found my path. I am the sword in the fire and I am being tempered. All of the experiences, feelings, and trauma of my past are being passed through the fire and transformed into the purpose they were meant for.

Many of the people in my life have been drifting away, and a flood of new people has been coming in. People who are meant, on a soul level, to assist me in my way.

I cannot be with someone while I am being tempered. It must all been burned away and transformed. To be with someone right now would bog me down in the same old shit.

The next 2 1/2 years will be ones of intense transformation and at the end I will be the phoenix rising from the ashes.

And at the end of this…..oh I know he is waiting. I have dreamed of him for years, we have talked, we have felt each other across whatever distance is separating us. I have felt his hand pass across my cheek. I even have an idea what his name might be. And he will be my true love and companion. My partner in crime. My lover and playmate. My equal in all things, and as willing to learn as to teach. We will compliment each other, two souls entwined rising together in ecstasy.

But we are not ready yet. I will come to him when I am capable of true, honest love. When I love myself completely.

And when it has all been burned away and I stand tempered in the open doorway of the rising sun, I will be ready to meet my new life, my love, and most of all….myself.

I will not be diverted from my path.

P.S Read The Bridge Across Forever by Richard Bach

Head Like a Hole

I’m raging. My head is a black hole sucking everything in and around me into the walled fortress of my self until I can feel the walls groaning under the strain.

I want to lash out. I want to hurt people. I want to shake them until they see what is inside me. My muscles are aching from the strain of keeping myself from destroying everything in my sight. I cast desperately around me for SOMEONE to listen, to understand, to HEAR me. I feel there isn’t a person on this Earth that knows me, that cares whether I am really here or not. I feel I could disappear and there isn’t a single goddamn person who would notice or care for more that an instant. I curl into a ball around the pain and loneliness that is threatening to overwhelm me.

I’m angry at K. I wasn’t when he first emailed me, but I find I’m growing angrier. I feel he is being selfish, and that he has betrayed our friendship. He says he will welcome me back with open arms once I meet his “conditions” but you know what? I may have you as a friend in my life again but it will NEVER be the same. That trust and bond that was sacred to me has been destroyed. He just lost the best friend he will ever have.

I had to tell J I can’t see him for a while. I thought this unrequited crap was dealt with YEARS ago, but apparently not. I can’t deal with confusion and being off balance and ever so careful. What am I doing wanting someone who clearly doesn’t want me? Like my friend said last night “Don’t ever goddamn settle” I deserve someone who loves and wants me truly, madly, deeply.

Why can’t people just fucking be OPEN? We’ve ALL been hurt, guess what it’s nothing new, so GET OVER IT. People need to take risks and open their hearts or they will miss out on amazing connections and lessons. It’s so sad to watch it happen to people.

And Mother….oh Mother…you who I rage at the most. Sunday was the second anniversary of your suicide. You fucking selfish BITCH. I HATE you. I wish I had been born to someone else, ANYONE else, because you did your best to wreck my life for 29 years and with a final act of selfishness left me here to deal with issues that will now never be resolved.

And to learn the truth about Sarah’s death and blindness at the same time. God. To learn that you were on fucking HEROIN when she had her grand mal seizure? To learn that you HEARD her but you were too fucked up to go and check on your daughter when you KNEW she was epileptic? You make me SICK. If not for your selfishness I WOULD STILL HAVE A SISTER.

To learn that her blindness was NOT caused shaken baby syndrome from her father? To learn that that the man I have hated for 25 years in fact loved his daughter and did everything he could to be with her but you drove him away?

I want to scream until I bring the heavens down.

The ice is thin come on dive in
underneath my lucid skin
the cold is lost, forgotten
Hours pass days pass time stands still
light gets dark and darkness fills
my secret heart forbidden…
I think you worried for me then
the subtle ways that I’d give in but I know
you liked the show
tied down to this bed of shame
you tried to move around the pain but oh
your soul is anchored
The only comfort is the moving of the river
You enter into me, a lie upon your lips
offer what you can, I’ll take all that I can get
only a fool’s here…
I don’t like your tragic sighs
as if your god has passed you by well hey fool
that’s your deception
your angels speak with jilted tongues
the serpent’s tale has come undone you have no
strength to squander
The only comfort is the moving of the river
You enter into me, a lie upon your lips
offer what you can, I’ll take all that I can get
only a fool’s here to stay
only a fool’s here to stay
only a fool’s here…

For A

I want to hold the hand inside you
I want to take a breath thats true
I look to you and I see nothing
I look to you to see the truth
You live your life
You go in shadows
You’ll come apart and you’ll go black
Some kind of night into your darkness
Colors your eyes with whats not there.

*sigh*

I lost A this week. For good this time I think. I’m grieving. But how can you grieve for something you never really had? We’ve been playing tag for 8 years now. My brain knows it’s pointless, that there was never a real future.

But my heart and soul yearn for him and what we could have had if the timing had been better. Maybe I just have this ideal built up in my head.

We saw each other in person for less than 2 weeks and almost 8 years later I would drop everything to be with him. That’s kind of messed up.

What I want

I am so freakin lonely. It’s been over 2 years since I’ve had a relationship. I don’t count Saeed. Not even a casual mostly sexual relationship. Granted, I haven’t been in a good place for a relationship…I’ve had a lot of work to do. But still, I have that loneliness no number of friends can fill.

Silence

One of those days when the music I’m listening to expresses exactly what I’m feeling

Give me release
witness me
I am outside
give me peace

Heaven holds a sense of wonder
and I wanted to believe
that I’d get caught up
when the rage in me subsides

In this white wave
I am sinking
in this silence
in this white wave
in this silence
I believe

Passion chokes the flower
’til she cries no more
possessing all the beauty
hungry still for more

Heaven holds a sense of wonder…

I can’t help this longing
comfort me
I can’t hold it all in
if you won’t let me

Heaven holds a sense of wonder…

In this white wave
I am sinking
in this silence
in this white wave
in this silence
I believe

I have seen you
in this white wave
you are silent
you are breathing
in this white wave
I am free

Apt lyrics for this moment

I know you
You were too short
You had bad skin
You couldn’t talk to them very well
Words didn’t seem to work
They lied when they came out of your mouth

You tried so hard to understand them
You wanted to be part of what was happening
You saw them having fun
And it seemed like such a mystery
Almost magic

Made you think that there was something wrong with you
You’d look in the mirror and try to find it
You thought that you were ugly
And that everyone was looking at you

So you learned to be invisible
To look down
To avoid conversation