Pondering Relationships

So I’ve been contemplating romantic relationships.  Having been single for so long I can objectively look back, and also take honest stock of where I stand now.  I’ve thought I’ve been lonely.  I’ve thought I missed intimacy.  I’ve thought I wanted that all consuming soulmate passion.  But when presented with someone’s desire for a connection with me, I freeze up.  I recoil.  Lack of practice? LOL.  Most of my needs are met by my friends.  And passion is fulfilled in many ways.  My art, my love for the world and all people in it, love for myself, etc.

I’m fiercely independent.  I like being accountable to no one but myself.  I don’t want to have conversations about my “feelings” or where our relationship is going.  I don’t want to deal with jealousy or insecurity crap.  I like not having to meet someone else’s expectations.  I like being moody and not having to explain why.  I like not having to fight for the covers.

So I’m kicking the holy triad out the door for a while.  If this soulmate the universe keeps promising is coming ever shows up, all well and good, but I’m not holding my breath and I’m done waiting around.

*sigh*

Amazing how emotions can cause actual physical pain.  I’m so frustrated.  I’ve tried everything I can.  I’m REALLY REALLY pissed off at the Universe right now.  Dangling that fucking carrot in front of me for FIFTEEN FUCKING YEARS and then snatching it away right when I thought the time had finally come.  When it seemed the PERFECT fucking time.  Fucking TORTURING me.  Grrr.  Arggh.  I can feel one of my once in a decade monumental destroy the house temper tantrums coming on.

*sigh* But my new favorite quote is “When you make plans, God laughs”  Trust.  Trust trust trust trust in the Universe.  It knows what it’s doing.  Stop struggling.  Surrender.  Things always work out when I just SURRENDER and let the Universe work it’s magic.

But this is the hardest struggle to surrender I’ve ever had.

Universe give me strength.

Maybe it’s intuition
But some things you just don’t question
Like in your eyes
I see my future in an instant
And there it goes
I think I’ve found my best friend
I know that it might sound more than a little crazy
But I believe

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

There’s just no rhyme or reason
Only this sense of completion
And in your eyes
I see the missing pieces
I’m searching for
I think I’ve found my way home

I know that it might sound more than a little crazy
But I believe

Recognize me!

I knew as soon as I saw you.  It was like seeing the world through your eyes.  Every cell in my body jumped for joy.  I felt dizzy, finally seeing the one I have known for so long.  Your skin, hair, smile, everything about you was as familiar to me as my own.
We have danced together for many years.  Your voice would whisper in my ear, your hand would brush my cheek, we have explored the astral realm together.

I kept getting the message “Not yet.  You both have lessons to learn before you can come together” I have waited as patiently as I could, but it has been frustrating.  No other man interested me, because I knew you were coming.

And then…finally…you see me.  And there is not a glimmer of recognization.  My heart dropped to my feet.  How could this be?!?!  I want to shake you and yell “REMEMBER THAT CRAZY, MIND BLOWING ASTRAL SEX WE HAVE?   THAT’S ME DAMNIT!”

I’m trying not to grieve.  You obviously aren’t ready.  But oh it will be so beautiful when you do. How many people find and recognize their soulmates?  I will try and be strong, but it is heartbreaking to know you are there, so close I can touch yet ever so far away…

And I remember the laws of manifestation.  You put the intention out there and then leave it.  The more you try to force something to happen, imagine different scenarios, the more desperation you feel, the harder it is for the Universe to manifest it the way it is supposed to be.  And I was definitely trying to force it.

So, all I can do is put myself into the hands of destiny and wait for you.  Come soon, my love.

Finally In Love

I’ve said before that I’ve never been in love.  That’s not true.  I am deeply in love.  No wonder I could never love others as much when my heart knew he was there.

I’m in love with an apparition.  Oh he really exists we just haven’t met in the physical realm yet.  We’ve been aware of each other for so long.  We’ve met and talked and made love in the astral.  I’ve felt his hand brush my cheek and hair.  We’ve reached out to each other’s minds with messages of love.  We are equals, entwined in each other, true partners in every sense of the word.  I knew he had dark hair and light eyes, and even had a sense of what his name was.

I would get so frustrated, WHEN would he be here?  Patience, patience we were always told.  We both needed to learn certain lessons and experiences before we were ready to completely be together.

Then I saw a picture of him 2 weeks ago.  My heart stopped.  I stopped breathing.  My world was turned upside down.  Everything else faded to black as all I saw were his eyes, electric currents ran through me as I drowned in his eyes and the pure joy of recognition.  He was THERE!

Now the impatience has reached frenzied proportions.  He is not aware of me yet, physically.  When when WHEN?  I know it is inevitable, but I’m not known for my patience.

Most will think I am off my rocker, but I could care less.  My soul knows.  Now my eyes know.

I love you

To those I have loved and left

Having been single for 3 1/2 years (except for 4 months with Saeed but I won’t even go THERE) has given me a lot of insight into my past relationships and the lessons each taught.  I know now what I need and what I have to do and I am thankful.

I would like to say I’m sorry

To those past lovers
to whom
I could never be enough

For not writing you love poems
or songs
or leaving you little notes
on your pillow

For letting you peel away
only a few layers of my onion

Oh how that frustrated you
wanting to reach
that place of intense passion inside
only to slam again and again
against my iron walls
as I watched with detachment

For not trusting you with
my tears
my pain
my vulnerability

For feeling indifference
to your needs and
wants of our relationship
and being thoughtless

For being frustrated and lashing out
when you pushed for
more more more
desperate to crack my shell

For those I obsessed over
Until I got them
And then discarded them
My mind already having moved on

For taking in you wayward birds
only wanting to heal you
and letting myself
spiral down with you instead
not realizing you were too broken

For taking and taking
and giving little in return
taking advantage of your devotion

Always the one in control
Always the one on the pedastel you put me on
Always being so close to touch but ever so far away

I feel affection and compassion for each of you
many of you are my closest friends

And I thank you
for without the lessons you each taught
I would not be the person I have become

But, most of all my darlings, most of all

I am sorry for never loving you
as much as you loved me

Eureka!

After my “rage” post, I’ve been doing a lot of processing and had a big eureka moment regarding relationships. J was the manifestation of this issue. I AM NOT MEANT TO BE WITH ANYONE RIGHT NOW!

Yes, I’m lonely. Yes, I want to wake up curled in someone’s arms. But it’s going to have to wait.
It’s been 2 1/2 years since I left Scott. Even longer since I felt like I had a true partner. I flirted and dated afterwards, enjoying my newfound freedom. Hell, I had more options than I could handle.

And now…..wha???? It’s like this transparent wall I keep bashing my head against. Me, who could pick and choose anyone she wanted all of the sudden can’t even get a palatable one night stand?!?!? (tongue in cheek here

I have found my path. I am the sword in the fire and I am being tempered. All of the experiences, feelings, and trauma of my past are being passed through the fire and transformed into the purpose they were meant for.

Many of the people in my life have been drifting away, and a flood of new people has been coming in. People who are meant, on a soul level, to assist me in my way.

I cannot be with someone while I am being tempered. It must all been burned away and transformed. To be with someone right now would bog me down in the same old shit.

The next 2 1/2 years will be ones of intense transformation and at the end I will be the phoenix rising from the ashes.

And at the end of this…..oh I know he is waiting. I have dreamed of him for years, we have talked, we have felt each other across whatever distance is separating us. I have felt his hand pass across my cheek. I even have an idea what his name might be. And he will be my true love and companion. My partner in crime. My lover and playmate. My equal in all things, and as willing to learn as to teach. We will compliment each other, two souls entwined rising together in ecstasy.

But we are not ready yet. I will come to him when I am capable of true, honest love. When I love myself completely.

And when it has all been burned away and I stand tempered in the open doorway of the rising sun, I will be ready to meet my new life, my love, and most of all….myself.

I will not be diverted from my path.

P.S Read The Bridge Across Forever by Richard Bach