Eureka!

After my “rage” post, I’ve been doing a lot of processing and had a big eureka moment regarding relationships. J was the manifestation of this issue. I AM NOT MEANT TO BE WITH ANYONE RIGHT NOW!

Yes, I’m lonely. Yes, I want to wake up curled in someone’s arms. But it’s going to have to wait.
It’s been 2 1/2 years since I left Scott. Even longer since I felt like I had a true partner. I flirted and dated afterwards, enjoying my newfound freedom. Hell, I had more options than I could handle.

And now…..wha???? It’s like this transparent wall I keep bashing my head against. Me, who could pick and choose anyone she wanted all of the sudden can’t even get a palatable one night stand?!?!? (tongue in cheek here

I have found my path. I am the sword in the fire and I am being tempered. All of the experiences, feelings, and trauma of my past are being passed through the fire and transformed into the purpose they were meant for.

Many of the people in my life have been drifting away, and a flood of new people has been coming in. People who are meant, on a soul level, to assist me in my way.

I cannot be with someone while I am being tempered. It must all been burned away and transformed. To be with someone right now would bog me down in the same old shit.

The next 2 1/2 years will be ones of intense transformation and at the end I will be the phoenix rising from the ashes.

And at the end of this…..oh I know he is waiting. I have dreamed of him for years, we have talked, we have felt each other across whatever distance is separating us. I have felt his hand pass across my cheek. I even have an idea what his name might be. And he will be my true love and companion. My partner in crime. My lover and playmate. My equal in all things, and as willing to learn as to teach. We will compliment each other, two souls entwined rising together in ecstasy.

But we are not ready yet. I will come to him when I am capable of true, honest love. When I love myself completely.

And when it has all been burned away and I stand tempered in the open doorway of the rising sun, I will be ready to meet my new life, my love, and most of all….myself.

I will not be diverted from my path.

P.S Read The Bridge Across Forever by Richard Bach