Bewildered and furious

He isn’t the one.  The one I’ve been waiting for for so long.  The one whose soul I know as well as I know my own.  I’m very confused.   Why would my world turn upside down and immediate recognition hit me when it WASN’T him?  I saw him in person for the first time,  so joyful and hopeful, sure that he would recognize me as well.  Nada.  And every time since, I’ve felt less and less for him.  There’s no more recognition.  There’s even a mild sense of repulsion, like a shield between us.  I don’t get it.  I really really really REALLY don’t get it.

FUCK IT

I’ve stuck to my principles of not being with anyone who wasn’t a match in my holy triad; mental/physical/spiritual.  Stuck to those principles for FOUR fucking years, with constant reassurance from the Universe that he was coming.   I trusted it.  Now I feel it was some cosmic fucking joke. “Let’s see how long we can keep her going for!”.  Fuck you.

I miss companionship, cuddling, sex (WHICH, by the way, has been a YEAR).  Not that I haven’t had an opportunity.  They’ve been after me like moths to a flame.  Especially younger men.  But I just look at them and know I would eat them alive.  Sure, I’d give them the experience of their lives, but then they’d be following me around like puppies.  I don’t want one-sided devotion.  I’ve had enough of that.  It sounds arrogant I know, but it’s true.

I’m at the height of my confidence, strength, assurance, and magnetism.  I have a strong personality.  I need a match otherwise I’ll completely eclipse them.

Fuck it I’m feeling carnivorous.  Watch out little guppies.

*sigh*

Amazing how emotions can cause actual physical pain.  I’m so frustrated.  I’ve tried everything I can.  I’m REALLY REALLY pissed off at the Universe right now.  Dangling that fucking carrot in front of me for FIFTEEN FUCKING YEARS and then snatching it away right when I thought the time had finally come.  When it seemed the PERFECT fucking time.  Fucking TORTURING me.  Grrr.  Arggh.  I can feel one of my once in a decade monumental destroy the house temper tantrums coming on.

*sigh* But my new favorite quote is “When you make plans, God laughs”  Trust.  Trust trust trust trust in the Universe.  It knows what it’s doing.  Stop struggling.  Surrender.  Things always work out when I just SURRENDER and let the Universe work it’s magic.

But this is the hardest struggle to surrender I’ve ever had.

Universe give me strength.

Maybe it’s intuition
But some things you just don’t question
Like in your eyes
I see my future in an instant
And there it goes
I think I’ve found my best friend
I know that it might sound more than a little crazy
But I believe

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

There’s just no rhyme or reason
Only this sense of completion
And in your eyes
I see the missing pieces
I’m searching for
I think I’ve found my way home

I know that it might sound more than a little crazy
But I believe

Broken

This one was written in 10 minutes flat the other night, just poured out of me all at once.

Tendrils of grief
worm their way out of me,
like shoots of a plant
slowly cracking their way
through the stone exterior
my mind has so carefully
constructed around me.

Even stone gets worn down by time.

Such a tangled mess of roots
coiled around my heart,
I no longer know for what I grieve.
Only that I am slowly breaking open,
the sting of tears at the back of my eyes
my only constant companion.

No!

I must be strong.
I must not falter.
I must maintain the faces
that I let show.

No one is allowed to see
the broken pieces
that I bind tightly within myself,
not even me.

Even stone gets worn down by time.

The tendrils rising up my throat till I want to gag.
Bursting out of my eyes till I wish I couldn’t see.
Squeezing around my stomach, a constant ache,
seeping out of every pore till I am covered
in the slick black oil of grief, disappointment, and fear

I am gasping for breath,
I do not know how to release
this sickness in me
that I have left to fester.

Because I had to be the strong one.
I’ve never been allowed
to set down the load lashed to my back.
Never been able to rest my head
against another’s shoulder
in peaceful rest.
In the knowledge I was safe and loved
and didn’t need my stone exterior.

Even stone gets worn down by time

I don’t know how.
I don’t know how to cry.
I don’t know how.

Someone please help me,
show me how to remove these roots
without shattering myself into a million pieces,
the puzzle will never quite fit back together.
Someone please show me.

Even stone gets worn down by time

WTF?

So I’m trying the online dating thing again. It’s been very bizarre this time. I always just ended up meeting new friends before, which is cool. But for some reason this time people just….vanish.

But what the fuck? Where is common courtesy? I can’t believe how rude people are. How hard is it to say “Sorry, but we’re just not a good match”. ESPECIALLY after you’ve had a great time before. You just leave the person wondering, and ignore an email or phone call. GROW SOME BALLS!

Jesus there’s a reason I’ve been single for 2 1/2 years. Good to have a refresher on why. Idiots.

Head Like a Hole

I’m raging. My head is a black hole sucking everything in and around me into the walled fortress of my self until I can feel the walls groaning under the strain.

I want to lash out. I want to hurt people. I want to shake them until they see what is inside me. My muscles are aching from the strain of keeping myself from destroying everything in my sight. I cast desperately around me for SOMEONE to listen, to understand, to HEAR me. I feel there isn’t a person on this Earth that knows me, that cares whether I am really here or not. I feel I could disappear and there isn’t a single goddamn person who would notice or care for more that an instant. I curl into a ball around the pain and loneliness that is threatening to overwhelm me.

I’m angry at K. I wasn’t when he first emailed me, but I find I’m growing angrier. I feel he is being selfish, and that he has betrayed our friendship. He says he will welcome me back with open arms once I meet his “conditions” but you know what? I may have you as a friend in my life again but it will NEVER be the same. That trust and bond that was sacred to me has been destroyed. He just lost the best friend he will ever have.

I had to tell J I can’t see him for a while. I thought this unrequited crap was dealt with YEARS ago, but apparently not. I can’t deal with confusion and being off balance and ever so careful. What am I doing wanting someone who clearly doesn’t want me? Like my friend said last night “Don’t ever goddamn settle” I deserve someone who loves and wants me truly, madly, deeply.

Why can’t people just fucking be OPEN? We’ve ALL been hurt, guess what it’s nothing new, so GET OVER IT. People need to take risks and open their hearts or they will miss out on amazing connections and lessons. It’s so sad to watch it happen to people.

And Mother….oh Mother…you who I rage at the most. Sunday was the second anniversary of your suicide. You fucking selfish BITCH. I HATE you. I wish I had been born to someone else, ANYONE else, because you did your best to wreck my life for 29 years and with a final act of selfishness left me here to deal with issues that will now never be resolved.

And to learn the truth about Sarah’s death and blindness at the same time. God. To learn that you were on fucking HEROIN when she had her grand mal seizure? To learn that you HEARD her but you were too fucked up to go and check on your daughter when you KNEW she was epileptic? You make me SICK. If not for your selfishness I WOULD STILL HAVE A SISTER.

To learn that her blindness was NOT caused shaken baby syndrome from her father? To learn that that the man I have hated for 25 years in fact loved his daughter and did everything he could to be with her but you drove him away?

I want to scream until I bring the heavens down.

The ice is thin come on dive in
underneath my lucid skin
the cold is lost, forgotten
Hours pass days pass time stands still
light gets dark and darkness fills
my secret heart forbidden…
I think you worried for me then
the subtle ways that I’d give in but I know
you liked the show
tied down to this bed of shame
you tried to move around the pain but oh
your soul is anchored
The only comfort is the moving of the river
You enter into me, a lie upon your lips
offer what you can, I’ll take all that I can get
only a fool’s here…
I don’t like your tragic sighs
as if your god has passed you by well hey fool
that’s your deception
your angels speak with jilted tongues
the serpent’s tale has come undone you have no
strength to squander
The only comfort is the moving of the river
You enter into me, a lie upon your lips
offer what you can, I’ll take all that I can get
only a fool’s here to stay
only a fool’s here to stay
only a fool’s here…