Archive for the Stories Category

Memories of you and your final farewell

Posted in Life, Sad, Stories with tags , , , on July 18, 2009 by killinggame

Begging you to not go out because if you did he would abuse me.  You never listened.  You said I was going through an “attachment phase”.

Running to you after Sarah’s funeral.  You shoved me away and I fell backwards onto the ground.

Spending Christmas with a foster family, missing you, while you went through your hell in the psych ward from losing your other daughter.

Teaching me to read by 3, always impressing the importance of books upon me.

Taking me back to the playground where a boy 5 years older had hit me, and slapping the hell out of him.

Spanking the hell out of ME with a wooden spoon, because I was a little kleptomaniac in Kindergarten and Grade 1.

You always shying away when I tried to cuddle.  You were never comfortable with physical affection.  You said you never had the maternal instinct.

Read more »

The Madeline Saga: Ode to the Strawberry

Posted in Parenting, Stories on July 9, 2009 by killinggame

Strawberry’s were my one craving when I was pregnant with Madeline.  It hit at about 6 months.  Cravings are all consuming when you are pregnant, it’s all you can think about and your body feels like it’s going through withdrawal.

It being the middle of winter, alas, no luscious strawberry’s were to be found.  (Frozen just wouldn’t do).

Every week I would trudge to the grocery store, praying to see that splash of red, that nectar of the Gods.  Every week I would trudge home defeated.

And then…finally.  We walked into the store and “HALLELUJAH” resounded throughout the store.  I stood in front of the objects of my desire…..and started hysterically crying.  Scott walked to the other side of the produce section so he could pretend he didn’t know the crazy pregnant lady.

They filled my vision, green and red, hearts calling to me.  With a trembling hand I reached out to grasp one.  Every pore was visible, every curve and line.  The smell filled my nose, every part of me screaming in desire.

I brought it slowly to my lips, quivering in anticipation, and closing my lips lightly around it I bit down.  The mix of sweet and tart flooded my taste buds, the juice staining my lips as I sucked at this ambrosia.

I was interrupted from my sensual revelry by a man clearing his throat behind me, wanting to purchase some.  Like an animal I almost bared my teeth at him. “MINE!” screamed my body.  Some semblance of sanity reasserted itself and I backed away.

We bought a flat of berries, and I gorged myself until lips and face and fingers were stained red.  Ahhh…sweet relief.

LONG LIVE  STRAWBERRY’S!

The Acid Trip

Posted in Stories with tags , , on July 8, 2009 by killinggame

I ask you to come with me to the beach and share an acid trip with me. This will be the first time we have met so I am delighted at your adventurous spirit when you say yes.

Reaching the beach at sunset, the tide running high, large swells rolling in with a roar. Sweetness filling our mouths as the sugar cubes dissolve and we embark on our adventure.

Filled with happiness and warmth. The roaring of the fire, astonishment at purple fire at the heart. Entranced at the vision of the waves rising high, visions of unicorns rising out of the foam towards us.
The faces of the trees smiling down upon me. Leaning over a log and letting the waves rush over our hands, tracing designs in the sand as the waves recede, and watching them disappear as the water rushes again towards us.

Lying on our backs staring up at the stars, they pulse. Frog eggs in jello you say. Hysterical laughter.
I roll over and begin playing with the sand, gathering handfuls and letting them trickle through my fingers. I become entranced and fall deeper and deeper into the sand, until I feel at one with it, pressing it with my fingers, stroking it, molding it.

Hearing your voice in the distance, such a beautiful voice. Rising slowly upwards through dark water, seeing unfamiliar constellations shimmering through the water. A crescent of sand reaching out into the ocean, lined with grains of phosphorescence that stick to your feet as the stars stick to the feet of the Gods striding through the heavens.

Sunday Ecstasy

Posted in Spiritual, Stories with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 12, 2008 by killinggame

I hadn’t slept in over 48 hours. I was past the point of exhaustion, into a clear minded, heightened state of awareness. The world looked new, colors flashing as if they were being invented before my eyes, sounds like crystal chimes in my ears.

I put on Deva Premal, and lit only by candlelight, I slowly sink into the hot bath, the bubbles enveloping me like a cocoon. I run them up and down my body, scooping up handfuls and blowing them into the air, entranced by the prisms of color. I run my hands over every inch of my body, my hair, tracing my face with my fingertips, making love to every inch of myself, my feet, my arms, my neck, my legs, every nerve as sensitive as the bubbles I pop. Rising from the tub I envelop myself in oil, loving the silky feeling on my skin.

I smudge the entire house with sage, cleansing it of all negative energy. I light incense, inhaling the smoke and cleansing my inner body of stress.

Dressing in a long flowing black skirt and tank top I change the music to a Sufi/Persian mix and poise myself in the centre of the room.

And I begin to dance.

Whirling like a dervish, leaping, twirling, writhing like a snake, the movement of my hips hypnotic in the reflection in the window.

I stamp the rhythms and toss my head until my bones vibrate, then crouch down, tumbling, and then leaping to my feet, for the Earth cannot hold me, and I rise, arms upraised to the sky, to Kali,

I spin until I am unaware of anything around me, only the sound of my breath, the blood pumping in my ears and the exalted laughter pealing out of me at the power of my body and the Gods.

I dance for untold hours, and then collapse to the floor, in a state of pure spiritual and physical ecstasy, and, finally, fall asleep.

Surrender

Posted in Stories with tags , on April 7, 2008 by killinggame

Kevin and I went to Wreck Beach one afternoon. It was a welcome escape from the opressiveness of Jason. We smoked a couple of joints, ate some delicious sandwiches and let the sun melt all the stress from our bones.

After a while it got too hot so we decided to go swimming. I started floating, and Kevin said “ummm, I can’t float. When I try I just sink and choke”

What?!?! This was a guy whose was on a champion swim team!

I thought for a while, and then said “You have to surrender yourself to the ocean.”

He looked at me strangely and asked what I meant.

“Surrender! Give your body to the ocean and let it support you”

The surrender continues…