I’ve always been an impatient soul. I don’t play games. If I am attracted to you, I will tell you straight out. I see no need to play coy or dance around each other.
But yes, sometimes I push too hard.

One of the reasons I doubt serious relationships is my future lifestyle. I will be 45 when my daughter turns 20, and then I am off traveling the world. I plan to visit as many holy places in the world I can. I want to live in an ashram for a while. I want to study with shamans in south america. Who is going to be able to fully share that lifestyle? Not many. It’s why I don’t want anymore children. 45 is the perfect age to begin your pilgrimage. The thought of starting all over and not being free till I am 60 is not appealing to me. Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter more than life itself and we will have plenty of adventures together, but as they say in India, fulfill your householder duties first and then you are free to follow your path.

Thank you for your beautiful comments, fellow dreamer

I can totally relate. You take the wind out of my sails as you fire a broadside that is so complete. I feel the pain and the liberation, and what could I possibly add?

Perhaps two thoughts.

Don’t forget to be gentle to yourself. There is a balance between making things happen and letting them happen. Relax. I believe in growth. What is real will always grow organically. On its own. Does not require anything that feels forced. Does not matter on speed, sometimes slow and sometimes fast. But is real and feels real.

A wise person once told me: “Walk slowly, step by step.” Perhaps also true with relationships. We can’t bite off the whole chunk all at once. I believe it is the little things that we are meant to enjoy, and enjoy together. And let the universe decide what may unfold in explosive growth.

The other thought is that I share your frustration, but I have not given up believing that it is possible to share together while being ourselves and growing as individuals. Entangled perhaps for moments, but not as a frozen state. Living like the tide or the seasons, in a flowing and gentle rhythm of unity and and solitude. Side by side, each facing the universe, and not borrowing each others energy instead.

Focussing on the beauty of sharing, and on the beauty of giving. Without possessing any piece or any right to the other. Nurturing the little things. Believing that all good and real things flow from supporting the other to following her higher self. All else is really not important, all else will flow from there.

A monk once described a path to relationships to others in two moves. A movement towards solitude. Then a movement towards offering space. So that another fellow human being can feel the universe and may wish to sit down beside, relax and just be, and become herself or himself.

An ideal or an illusion? It seems the norm all around, but I refuse to give in to relationships that are taking away. At least in essence, this vision has to be possible…

Call me a dreamer!

I liked it by the way

I also experimented with loops and poetry on a Rilke poem at here:
http://truthandrocketscience.wordpress.com/2009/06/05/the-truth-and-unicorns-part-2/

Will you make videos with YouTube and post them like this?

Over the last 2 days I attended a conference on “truth and reconciliation commissions” here in New York. It was about how the TRC’s in Guatemala, South Africa, Peru, etc. have impacted their countries’ reality. A lot of the conferecne was about when it is appropriate to remember, or forget, and how we can possibily find forgiveness in that. Unfortunately, the notion of “reconciliation” seems to have been hollowed out into something not quite meaningful any more. Truth, harder to find. But healing and forgiveness, it seems, are alive and well. Which is good news.

Killing Game is a song by an Industrial band named Skinny Puppy. It’s chaotic, screaming, instrument arrangements that confuse the ear. Here are the lyrics. They appear to make no sense, but after 18 years they mean something to me LOL. Especially the end part about stepping into the trap, to me that means people following temptation and trapping themselves in their own minds.

Fallen angel head crashes dead out of control
Lost memories staircase twists
Darker rooms lit with left out toys
After playing mean changes toys into tools
Twisted playthings on the staircase fools
Fools weapons represents the killing game
Who taught the killing game
Who taught the killing game
Awaken eyes sewn wearing glasses dripping tap tap temple door
Locked inside scream inner scraping tooth and nail nowhere to go
Quiet retraces forcing light tears then pretend nothing blinds
Blinds closed in sanctuary closed in sanctuary
Padded walls not quiet storm’s fury burnt out killing time
Who taught the killing game
Time’s taught the killing game herself
No I taught the killing game first
Passing words distant pain remember trains of thought collide
No one view window
Pushing faces through shards cold glass poke bloody holes exposed
I taught the killing game first
I taught the killing game first
Tongue lash spewing red tortured animals wake up time
Beckons death upon myself eyes travelled harden
Strange no stronger feeling
Tempting motion slows to a crawl
Places his own foot in its own trap
Let go the springs snap shut
Crazy sharper teeth giving in to the jaws of death
I taught the killing game
I taught the killing game first
I taught I taught I taught the game first, first, first

Kali is my patron Goddess. And even though she is called Kali Ma (The Great Mother) by her followers, she is also the Destroyer (the song is her in that form). And not a gentle one at that LOL.

Pictures of her look fearsome, but the symbolism behind the severed head and jewelry of severed hands etc is actually positive. If you work with her though (through Mantras etc) to improve yourself, be prepared for a VERY intense change. She breaks down your ego and shoves your face through Maya, into reality. And she does it abruptly, and with brutal strength. I work with her sparingly on those things as it can become too intense and go into overload. Most of the time she is Kali Ma, my Mother

Thank you for your response and insight into my post on forgiveness. I had an encounter with Jesus during a meditation in my spirit’s sacred place. He appeared, and I ran to him, fell down on my knees, kissing the hem of his robe and sobbing, asking for forgiveness. He lifted me up, and dried my tears. He said “Child, there is nothing to forgive.” and placed a kiss on my third eye.

Sounds like we would have a lot to talk about, let’s keep in touch. (oh, and I like the word groovy!)

Is that YOU in the phot stretching on your toes, reaching up toward the heavens, calling on our Supreme Being to come dance with us?

cool.

I like the garb.

Not familiar with “killing game,” though.

Michael J