Oooo!

On a positive note, I FINALLY recorded the vocals for most of the tracks.  Now back to messing with loops and F/X to bring them alive.

Bewildered and furious

He isn’t the one.  The one I’ve been waiting for for so long.  The one whose soul I know as well as I know my own.  I’m very confused.   Why would my world turn upside down and immediate recognition hit me when it WASN’T him?  I saw him in person for the first time,  so joyful and hopeful, sure that he would recognize me as well.  Nada.  And every time since, I’ve felt less and less for him.  There’s no more recognition.  There’s even a mild sense of repulsion, like a shield between us.  I don’t get it.  I really really really REALLY don’t get it.

FUCK IT

I’ve stuck to my principles of not being with anyone who wasn’t a match in my holy triad; mental/physical/spiritual.  Stuck to those principles for FOUR fucking years, with constant reassurance from the Universe that he was coming.   I trusted it.  Now I feel it was some cosmic fucking joke. “Let’s see how long we can keep her going for!”.  Fuck you.

I miss companionship, cuddling, sex (WHICH, by the way, has been a YEAR).  Not that I haven’t had an opportunity.  They’ve been after me like moths to a flame.  Especially younger men.  But I just look at them and know I would eat them alive.  Sure, I’d give them the experience of their lives, but then they’d be following me around like puppies.  I don’t want one-sided devotion.  I’ve had enough of that.  It sounds arrogant I know, but it’s true.

I’m at the height of my confidence, strength, assurance, and magnetism.  I have a strong personality.  I need a match otherwise I’ll completely eclipse them.

Fuck it I’m feeling carnivorous.  Watch out little guppies.

100 Monkeys Reviews

I finished writing the “official” review today, will write the full detailed fan review tomorrow.  Got hit by a bloody bus today and I’m getting too stiff and sore to type anymore.

100 Monkeys say farewell to Vancouver

We’ve been spoiled here in Vancouver these past two months.  100 Monkeys, consisting of Jackson Rathbone, Ben Graupner, Jerad Anderson (sporting a brand new mohawk), Ben Johnson, and Uncle Larry, played a farewell show for Vancouver on Oct 25th, their 4th show here in the past 2 months.  And what a farewell it was!

Held at the Venue, a newly revamped nightclub, energy and anticipation were high.  Local band Bleeding Hearts Express started the evening, playing a rousing set that mixed rock,blues, and big band.  And then, finally, it was MONKEY TIME!

The band bounded onto the stage as the LED screen behind them flashed 100 Monkeys, and the crowd went wild, cheers turning into laughter as Uncle Larry was escorted onto stage in a full length mink coat by 2 scantily clad women.  The boys took their places and started off with a resounding rendition of “Orson Brawl”.  One of the unique things about 100 Monkeys is that each member takes turns on every instrument, switching it up on every song.

Ben Graupner, definitely the most animated and high energy member of the band, employed hilarious theatrics during “Wings on Fire”, screaming “We’re going DOWN!” as he swooped like a plane across the stage, crashing to the floor at the end.  Another highlight was  “Monkey Soup”, a song by dear friend Spencer Bell, who unfortunately passed away from adrenal cancer.  “Keep Awake”, a new favorite debuted at their show at Neptoon Records, had the crowd waving their arms and singing along to the hilarious lyrics.

Another unique feature the band does is an improv song based on a word picked from the screaming crowd.  This show’s song was “Campbell’s Soup’.  Jackson, always fast on his feet, sang a 2 minute improv, playing to the crowd with a cheeky smile and some smooth moves as Ben G and Jerad rocked the bass and guitar.  As the band exited the stage after playing “Ugly Girl”, the crowd began chanting “MONKEYS! MONKEYS!”.  They kept us waiting a good 2 minutes until Ben G leapt wildly back onto the stage with a huge smile.  Jackson said “We forgot to tell you guys something.  And thats THANK YOU!”.  The “Thank You” song commenced, Jackson pointing at each section of the crowd in turn, at the end asking us to turn to the people around us and say “Thank you”.

They waved and left the stage (Thank you Jerad for running back to get the set list for me!), and the crowd prepared for the signing to follow.  The line snaked it’s way 3 deep all around the club, everyone eager to say Hello and get an autograph.  The boy’s are the most gracious musicians I’ve had the pleasure to meet.  They each took the time for a short chat and hugs were definitely not in short supply.

All in all, in my opinion this was the best show of the 4 played in Vancouver.  (They were ALL amazing though!).  The band was bursting with an electric energy, holding the crowd in the palms of their hands.  I have never seen a band so in tune with each other and the audience, and it’s wonderful to see a band in it for the love of music, you can see and sense the pure enjoyment they get from it.  They also announced they had just finished their new album, and will be embarking on a 100 Cities tour soon throughout the U.S.

Gracious, playful, funny, down to earth, and immensely talented, this completely unique band will surely go far.  Vancouver thanks you.

Written by: Shanti Kalidasa Photos: Michelle Alleyne McAuley

*faceplant*

I have been thrust into the Twilight Zone this week.  It’s all happening so fast, my head is spinning and I can’t process it all.  Be careful what you ask for, you’ll get what you want but perhaps in a very unexpected way.

I’ll elaborate when I can make some sense of this new dimension I’ve been dropped headfirst into, but I think I need to hibernate next week so I can process.

Album

OK this is getting ridiculous!  My original plan was to record my poetry and set it to music.  But I forgot how obsessed I can get over new things.

I’ve tried every audio program out there, and Oooo!  Look at all the cool FX I can do!  And disovering loops and sounds and vocals, and WOW there’s so much I can add.  I’ve spent days listening to loops, saving my favorites.   10 gigs of them!    And I want to rewrite some poems as songs so I’m taking vocal lessons.  And I need someone to compose some music, and AHHH! so many ideas swirling in my head I can’t concentrate on one thing!

End result?  Nothing recorded yet.

Oy Vey

More on forgiveness

This idea and process continues to consume my thoughts.

I am FIERCLEY protective of my daughter.  At the thought of someone abusing her, my immediate response is that I would kill them, no hesitation or thought required.  Because of my experience, I have never left her with a babysitter, or alone with any family or friends.  I worry constantly that she will experience the horrendous things I endured in school.

But I have to realize that things are going to happen to her that I have no control over.  She will have her own lessons to learn.  But her pain is my pain.  Could I forgive people that hurt her?  That is something I am struggling with.  All I can do is help formulate the wonderful person she is, and pass on lessons I have learned.  I can say my experiences at school made me a better person, that I learned compassion and other lessons from it.  But how will I feel if she comes home in tears over someone picking on her, or a boyfriend that treats her badly?

Hmmm

Forgiveness – longest post ever!

I was visited by an angel today.  I was sitting on a bench outside the Shoppers on Esplanade, and this woman sat down next to me and we began talking.  Our conversation turned to love, hurt, relationships and forgiveness.  She spoke to me about forgiveness with such intensity, I couldn’t look away from her eyes, her soul was shining through so strongly.  She kissed me all over my face and hugged me so tightly.  She got up, turned left onto on the sidewalk, and when I turned to look 15 seconds later she had disappeared.  The Universe sends us messages through people when they are very important.

Interestingly, this came close on the heels of a session with a “channeller” (I hate the word psychic).  Anyways, he was the real deal.  He knew specific details about my childhood, about our sexual abuse scare with Madeline, about the scalp problem she’s had for a few years, about my Mother, everything.  I was stunned.  I’ve had a LOT of readings, and none came even close to this one.  Anyways, soon after we sat down he said he wanted me to say 4 little simple words - It’s not my fault.  I said them, “Louder!” “It’s not my fault” “  “Say it like you mean it!” “It’s not my fault!” “Louder!” “IT’S NOT MY FAULT!”.  At that point I started sobbing hysterically (I NEVER cry in front of people) and just repeated it over and over.  I take so much blame onto myself for other’s, it’s a heavy load.  We are going to do 10 healing sessions with he and his wife, at night after the store is closed (they run Abraham’s on Commercial).

So, forgiveness.  Obviously what I’m meant to confront right now!  Such a simple word, easy to say, easy to think you have done.  But have you really?  How many negative associations do you have when you think of a person?  About that girl who picked on you in high school, or the person who cut you off in traffic today.  We all hold a lifetime of resentments, prejudices, and negative associations.

Does everyone deserve forgiveness?  I believe so.  I don’t believe in hell, other than the ones we create for ourselves.  Do “evil” people think what they are doing is wrong?  Not usually.  Hitler firmly believed he was doing the right thing.  Does that condone his actions?  Does it mean we have to let people treat us however they want and never fight back? Of course not.  But you can forgive.  You can think about the reasons someone has done the things they have done, and grieve for what has happened to make this person who they are.  I know I have done things that were wrong in other people’s eyes, we all have.  But we all have a pure soul, we are all part of the great consciousness of the Universe. 

I believe firmly in reincarnation, not to work off karma, but that our souls choose to experience different things.  My previous lifetime was a vicious mobster in the thick of things in Chicago in the 30’s, and I was gunned down.  Perhaps this time I chose to learn the hard lessons I needed to learn compassion and healing.

Obviously, the person I most need to forgive is myself.  Not easy to do.  I have to give up the self hatred I have for things I have done.  We are always hardest on ourselves.  I have to forgive my Mother.  I’ve held nothing but rage towards her for over 3 years now.  Who has that affected?  Who has that hurt?  Myself.

After the conversation today so many images and situations flashed through my mind, from my babysitter abusing me, to the guy who kicked my cane out from under me in the hallway at school, to the guy who screamed at me for 10 minutes in a parking lot.  Does the girl who picked on me for 3 years think of me now?  No.  Is it hurting her?  No.  I am damaging myself.  So, so, so many negative associations with even the most minor incidents. 

The one person I actively concentrated on forgiving is the babysitter who abused me when I was 3.  He was only 14, and his explanation was that he was confused about his sexuality.  Does that make it ok? HELL NO!  It had lasting negative effects on my life.  But a couple of years ago I started to think, what happened to HIM, that he was that messed up?  What kind of life has he had since then?  I doubt it’s been a pretty one.  Does he feel remorse for what he did?  Good.  And if he doesn’t feel remorse, I feel even more sorry for him, for what created him to be the person he is.  What IS my responsibility is what I do with the effects it has had on my life.  I could play the victim, and blame my own failings on it, perpetuating a cycle, or I can forgive, and turn the experience into a healing one, and give me the compassion and understanding needed to understand and help other people who have had similar experiences.  I chose to forgive.  I tried to locate him, to talk to him.  To tell him the consequences of his actions, and hopefully learn what happened to him.  And to tell him I forgive him.  I never found him, but a HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders and I could finally start healing.

I’m going to think through every situation I have negative emotions about, even the smallest incidents, and write that person a letter.  And I’m going to forgive them.  I am going to cut the ties to those people that have followed me around my entire lifetime.  And I will be FREE of them.  How light I’m going to feel!  Forgiving them is healing ME.

And then it will be time to write the hardest letter – the letter to myself.  It’s not going to be easy.  I’m going to make amends where I can, and even if they don’t forgive me, or nothing in the relationship changes, I will have lifted that guilt and anger from MYSELF.  I have to accept the mistakes I have made, learn from them, and forgive myself.

It’s going to be a tough journey, but one I need to make to be completely free and enjoy the life that I want.

I could go on about nature vs nurture, and how behaviours are generational etc but this is already an epic post, so I’ll leave that pondering for another time.

Some quotes illustrating my feelings:

“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.”

 

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”

“When we forgive evil we do not excuse it, we do not tolerate it, we do not smother it. We look the evil full in the face, call it what it is, let its horror shock and stun and enrage us, and only then do we forgive it.”

“Sincere forgiveness isn’t colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don’t worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.”

*sigh*

Amazing how emotions can cause actual physical pain.  I’m so frustrated.  I’ve tried everything I can.  I’m REALLY REALLY pissed off at the Universe right now.  Dangling that fucking carrot in front of me for FIFTEEN FUCKING YEARS and then snatching it away right when I thought the time had finally come.  When it seemed the PERFECT fucking time.  Fucking TORTURING me.  Grrr.  Arggh.  I can feel one of my once in a decade monumental destroy the house temper tantrums coming on.

*sigh* But my new favorite quote is “When you make plans, God laughs”  Trust.  Trust trust trust trust in the Universe.  It knows what it’s doing.  Stop struggling.  Surrender.  Things always work out when I just SURRENDER and let the Universe work it’s magic.

But this is the hardest struggle to surrender I’ve ever had.

Universe give me strength.

Maybe it’s intuition
But some things you just don’t question
Like in your eyes
I see my future in an instant
And there it goes
I think I’ve found my best friend
I know that it might sound more than a little crazy
But I believe

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

There’s just no rhyme or reason
Only this sense of completion
And in your eyes
I see the missing pieces
I’m searching for
I think I’ve found my way home

I know that it might sound more than a little crazy
But I believe

Thankful

My Munchkin ROCKS.  Since she’ll be with Scott’s family for Thanksgiving, we had our own little ritual today.  We sat down, lit a candle between us and held hands.  I spoke about all the things I was thankful for, and then it was her turn.  She said she was thankful for food and houses and the land, and that she had so much when so many people in the world have nothing. (she’s 7!).

I  asked her to say what she was thankful for for each close member of the family.  With her Dad, it was playing lots of video games and watching movies together.  With Caroline, it was all the fun baking they do.  With her little sister, it was lots of hugs. With her grandparents, it was lots of TOYS!  When it was my turn, she said “Mommy there are thousands of things, it would take all night!”  My heart melted and I told her to just say the most important things.  She said she was thankful that I taught her to be a good, loving person, and she was thankful she picked me to be her Mom.

I am so lucky to have her.  She has turned into the most compassionate, loving, kind, smart person I know and as much as I want to keep her young and so close to me, I am in awe watching the beautiful soul that is emerging, and I know it’s going to just keep getting more wondrous.

Thank you, my darling, for choosing me to be your Mom.

Broken

This one was written in 10 minutes flat the other night, just poured out of me all at once.

Tendrils of grief
worm their way out of me,
like shoots of a plant
slowly cracking their way
through the stone exterior
my mind has so carefully
constructed around me.

Even stone gets worn down by time.

Such a tangled mess of roots
coiled around my heart,
I no longer know for what I grieve.
Only that I am slowly breaking open,
the sting of tears at the back of my eyes
my only constant companion.

No!

I must be strong.
I must not falter.
I must maintain the faces
that I let show.

No one is allowed to see
the broken pieces
that I bind tightly within myself,
not even me.

Even stone gets worn down by time.

The tendrils rising up my throat till I want to gag.
Bursting out of my eyes till I wish I couldn’t see.
Squeezing around my stomach, a constant ache,
seeping out of every pore till I am covered
in the slick black oil of grief, disappointment, and fear

I am gasping for breath,
I do not know how to release
this sickness in me
that I have left to fester.

Because I had to be the strong one.
I’ve never been allowed
to set down the load lashed to my back.
Never been able to rest my head
against another’s shoulder
in peaceful rest.
In the knowledge I was safe and loved
and didn’t need my stone exterior.

Even stone gets worn down by time

I don’t know how.
I don’t know how to cry.
I don’t know how.

Someone please help me,
show me how to remove these roots
without shattering myself into a million pieces,
the puzzle will never quite fit back together.
Someone please show me.

Even stone gets worn down by time